


depressed tied in gift wrap

by tantrumparx



Category: Waterparks (Band), gawsten - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gawsten, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, angsty, awsten knight - Freeform, gawsten aren't dating, geoff wigington - Freeform, otto wood - Freeform, trigger warning, tw, waterparks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 20:32:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tantrumparx/pseuds/tantrumparx
Summary: he doesn’t think anyone notices; why would anyone notice anything there’s nothing wrong nothing is happening he’s this bubbly energetic persona who dances around on stage and yells too much but is happy happy happy.





	depressed tied in gift wrap

**Author's Note:**

> | this is 2551 words of pure sadness and angst and could be triggering so be careful when reading! | kinda rambly but i wanted to get my feelings out lol | also the ending sucks but let me know if i should continue on from it x |

he doesn’t think anyone notices; why would anyone notice anything there’s nothing wrong nothing is happening he’s this bubbly energetic persona who dances around on stage and yells too much but is happy happy happy – awsten should be happy, is happy, he’s in waterparks travelling the world and playing sold out shows to fans that actually give a fuck about him and what he does and his lyrics that get a little too dark and real but it’s what the fans love because they find comfort in those lyrics. 

his bandmates and best friends are oblivious, just see him as someone who has his struggles but is coping and expresses all his problems through his lyrics and stage persona. as someone who sometimes struggles to get out of bed and talk about how he feels and why he feels that way until he’s on stage screaming his lyrics back to fans that are excited and even crying and it all feels okay. everything is okay.

if someone asked awsten to describe how he feels when he is on stage he wouldn’t be able to describe it – alive, maybe, but he thinks that’s a little too cliché and he’s not that person he isn’t about the clichés and instead does things his way and doesn’t give a fuck what others think. which allows him to be the person he is on stage; the carefree, bubbly person, screaming and running around the stage putting his heart and soul into the lyrics he is singing with so much passion he feels as though his lungs could set alight and that’s okay. everything is okay. 

until the shows end and he’s back inside his mind, trapped suffocating overthinking and its all too much. so he slips away from the others for a bit once they’re back on the bus and have met fans and no one notices because they’ve just played a good show and interacted with others and everyone is exhausted – the right time to do what he feels like is necessary. without anyone suspecting anything or being concerned because everyone is tired tired tired and so is he but not in that way. 

no one notices – he lives in long sleeves and sweaters and hoodies and makes them work even in high temperatures because ‘it’s his aesthetic!’ and as long as he pairs them with the right outfit people see him as a fashion icon and don’t suspect anything – because why would they? everything is okay. 

as long as he returns from the bathroom with dried tears and keeps his shaking hands under control and has bandaged himself up and cleaned up the mess he made no one will notice. if he hides behind a “i’m tired” and “i’m going to sleep” no one will suspect anything because he’s a singer in a touring band of course he’ll be tired after a long night.   
awsten is careful with everything he does – cleans up after himself, hides his blades well, ensures his clothes are always slightly too big to hide his self-hatred but big enough to be seen as cute and dressing fashionably or in a ‘cool way’. everything with awsten is just so so careful that no one could possibly suspect anything and even if they did they’d be told they were wrong and there’s absolutely no chance of anything being even slightly off or weird. 

but geoff notices. he always notices. notices the way awsten’s hands shake and are covered by his long sleeves, notices the way his voice broke mid-song last week and the tear disguised as sweat. notices the metallic smell when awsten leaves the bathroom. how his smile never reaches his eyes. the way he spends a little too long in the bathroom and always always always locks the door. never gets too close to himself or otto and is careful with every single movement; geoff never thought awsten, or anyone at all, could be this careful and precise with every single thing. but of course he isn’t sure, can’t be sure, awsten has been like this since before the band really even kicked off. so he says nothing.   
awsten’s hands fumble to lock the door behind him – the show was good as always, full of energy, but something is missing. something is always missing. so he sits against the bathroom door and takes off his sweater because he’s so so careful and won’t risk anyone finding out what he does away from the public eye. geoff sits a few meters away and has his suspicions but doesn’t say anything because he can’t guarantee anything – he never can. 

His shaky sweaty hands grasp onto the tiny metal blade which seems to glimmer in the bright glow of the light above, and if it were any other object it might be somewhat nice to look at. awsten breathes in and fights the constant sick feeling he gets in the pit of his stomach like he may throw up any second, but never does. his arms are torn and shredded and don’t look like arms and awsten hates that so much but he can’t stop because he just wants to fucking feel something that’s not the constant emptiness and numbness, so he presses the blade to barely recognisable skin and presses down, swiftly dragging across. he’s done this so many times and knows exactly what to expect and has a roll of tissue prepared to catch any blood that may drip as it rolls out of the newly made cut with no hesitation.   
awsten could never begin to explain the feeling he gets in his chest the split second the thought of cutting vertically comes or cutting a little too deep and hitting a vein and taking his only life just like that. like it was so simple and could be done at any time, and awsten knows this – he’s thought about it on numerous occasions as his tear-filled eyes stare down on the destruction he’s caused and continues to cause and he doesn’t think he can do this anymore because its so much and his chest is tight and no one knows maybe no one cares- 

and just like that, before he knows it his racing thoughts have took over and its almost as if he’s on autopilot as he continues his self-destructive tendencies and cleans up like nothing happened. but before leaving he checks the bathroom, always checks and double checks and even triple checks because if anyone found out they’d think he was insane and everyone would hate him and he doesn’t want to lose everyone or all the progress he’s made up until now. 

normally awsten would make some sort of attempt to sleep but he can’t stop thinking about death and his own mind is relentless and taunting and all awsten can think about is taking his own fucking life which he thinks is completely mad and unlike him – but is it really? he chokes back his sobs, trying to keep quiet in order to not wake up his best friends and concern them – but do they even care? why should they? they’ve shown no sort of concern, but why would they need to everything is okay awsten is okay he’s okay.   
but he isn’t okay and geoff knows this – perhaps he’s always known because he’s noticed these little things about awsten that just don’t seem right but he’s always been too afraid to even mention it to otto or jawn or literally anyone, let alone ask awsten himself. but when he hears awsten crying (again) he knows he can’t leave the blue haired boy alone who has a heart of gold and is nothing but absolutely kind to everyone and doesn’t deserve any shit life may throw his way. and geoff knows he has to repress his feelings at all costs but he can’t deny the ache he gets in his heart thinking about awsten sometimes. 

so he gets up and quietly approaches awsten’s bunk without disrupting otto’s sleep and knocks twice on the wood beside his bed – quietly, but still heard by awsten. awsten felt his heart momentarily stop but managed to croak out a reply that was barely there, wiping away his tears. 

“yeah?”

“aws, can i come in?”

awsten snorted and pulled back the curtain before rolling over to face the wall, not wanting geoff to see him while he most likely looked like a mess.   
geoff climbed into awsten’s bunk and lay beside him, keeping his distance as best as possible but resting an arm over his stomach – this wasn’t weird for the two, they had cuddled before when the stress had gotten to be too much for awsten and he’d broken down to geoff. that was over a year ago and the pair had never spoken of it again and awsten refrained from talking to anyone about his problems since to avoid burdening people. 

“hey, aws, face me please?” geoff pleaded with a quiet sigh, knowing awsten was upset and didn’t want him to keep it to himself because it was unhealthy and he knew how awsten got when the stress built up over time. awsten didn’t try and argue against geoff’s request and instead rolled over to face the older boy. 

geoff’s heart broke at the boy’s red splotchy face who had evidently been crying and wrapped his arms around the younger boy, pulling him close into a hug, not even letting go when he felt warm tears hit his shirt and soak through – instead, he held him until the boy sniffled and could no longer cry any longer. 

“awsten i hate it when you’re like this, why don’t you talk to me, or anyone, when you’re upset?” geoff’s eyebrows furrowed in concern, his sadness evident on his face.   
awsten was determined to not cry anymore, he hated feeling like this and showing how he felt made him feel worse – there was nothing worse in his mind than people knowing there was something wrong with him. “i didn’t want to bother you”. 

geoff said nothing and instead held him closer, gently rubbing awsten’s back before running it down his arm in a way to comfort him, but tensed when he felt an obvious piece of fabric beneath awsten’s jumper pulled so tightly below his hands and held in place as though the world would stop spinning if awsten were to let go of the ends of his jumper. 

“aws?” 

“yeah?” he mumbled – he hadn’t seemed to notice the change in geoff’s attitude, keeping his face rested comfortably against geoff’s chest as he began to calm down.   
geoff blinked away his tears threatening to spill at the thought of what it could be – there’s no way, awsten would never do this to himself right? 

his hand rested atop the fabric so awsten knew what geoff was talking about, “what’s this?” 

the younger boy squeezed his eyes shut tightly, hoping it was a bad dream and this wasn’t happening and his secret that was so well kept for years was not about to be discovered by geoff of all people, the person he loved with his entire heart and knew it would break if he found out.  
stumbling over his words, awsten pulled his arm away from geoff in an attempt to keep his secret for just a little bit longer – “what do you mean? it’s just my jumper, its old and weird in some places” 

geoff scoffed angrily and wiped the tear that fell, moving backwards so he could look at awsten who was no longer cuddled into him, and as much as he wishes it was still like that the older boy knew his suspicions were right. 

“awsten don’t fucking lie to me – as much as we both want to believe you we know it’s a lie and that’s what fucking breaks my heart, how could you do this?” geoff’s voice broke towards the end but held his demeanour – he was more upset than angry at the thought of his blue haired boy hurting himself and keeping it secret for however long it’s been.   
awsten wrapped his arms around himself tightly as though geoff could see everything through his sleeves despite knowing it wasn’t possible, before geoff sighed and gently pulled his arms away from him and despite awsten wanting to pull them back, he didn’t. geoff waited for awsten to pull his arms back or say no or do anything at all but he didn’t, so the older boy breathed in and rolled up awsten’s sleeves. 

tears brimmed in his eyes and blurred his vision and with each blink came a rush of tears at the sight before him – a myriad of scars lay on both arms, crisscrossing over each other. angry red scars stood out among the vasts of white scars, all of which were evidently deep and showed geoff how long this had truly been going on for. but what really upset geoff was the blinding white bandage wrapped tightly around awsten’s arm, stained with red – clearly from a matter of hours before. 

“awsten i can’t- why? i’m not angry and i need to you know that i’m just upset because knowing you’ve been hurting yourself for so long without anyone knowing and of course i had my suspicions but i never wanted to say anything just in case i was wrong, and- and this, oh my god” geoff lifted awsten’s arm to look at a scar that was particularly deep on his wrist; deeper than the others with tiny dots either side of the scar following along. “please tell me this isn’t what it looks like” geoff choked out, lowering the younger boy’s arms and looking him in the face. “how did we not know i can’t fucking-“ 

awsten allowed the tears to roll freely down his face as he tried to breathe though the feeling of someone grasping his lungs and prohibiting his breathing, attempting to get his breathing under control before he started speaking. 

“geoff no one knew and i didn’t think anyone even suspected anything, i-i just, i don’t know, its hard to explain. there’s this never-ending feeling of numbness and i just want to fucking feel something and in my mind when i’m doing this-“ gesturing to his arms, “it's something, but it’s never enough. and yeah, i guess – it was when we had a break and i felt so fucking alone but once i did it i regretted it and went to the hospital but no one knows apart from you please please don’t tell anyone like otto obviously he deserves to know i just can’t now-“

awsten was sobbing at this point and geoff’s heart broke knowing the younger boy felt so alone he had tried to kill himself, and he had never seen awsten this upset so it was obvious he’d been hiding all this shit for so long he couldn’t take it any longer. without hesitation geoff took awsten into his arms and held him close, ignoring the ache in his heart as he tried to process what he had seen and heard from awsten. he rocked the younger boy until he fell asleep, and knew they’d have to talk more about this eventually but for now held the boy he had feelings for in his arms.


End file.
